Whatever Gets You Through …

Whatever gets you through the night
Helps you feel nice
Helps you get ‘tight’
It’s all right
It’s all right

Whatever gets you to the light
Cups of morning coffee might
I’m all right
I’m all right
-With apologies to John Lennon

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I remember lo so many years ago, (when I was on what was probably my three-hundred-and-seventy-eighth-diet— that year!), reading an article on how to get fit and trim for beach season.  I perused the article with great gusto, hoping to find quick tips, (it was already mid-June), on how to look good in that sizzling new bathing suit and my ‘shouldn’t-have-put-these-in-the-dryer-shorts.’  (That IS why they are so tight, n’est pas?) Along with the usual (banal) advice around exercising more and eating less chippies, French fries and bon bons (yawn), the article delved into the issue of cellulite.

Cel*lu*lite: Persistent subcutaneous fat causing dimpling of skin.

Dimpling. Dimples. Such a difference in connotation for words embedded in the same family tree!

Hooding my eyes in the mirror so as not to engage too deeply into the reality of my own cellulite situation, I concluded that it might be a (very) good idea if I read further on the ‘how to’s’ of getting rid of those ‘subcutaneous’ (what a word!) bumps.

Now everyone knows that dimples on a gal or guy’s visage are highly attractive – often wildly so!

So, methinks, how can the placement of something so adorable- i.e. dimples on the face- be so abhorrently un-adorable on the ‘other’ cheeks?  
But I digress….
The article’s advice to banish the bumps included not just cutting down on caffeine, but actually cutting-it-out al*to*gether.

Just how important is my daily IV coffee to me????
Let me count the ways!*
*Coffee gives me the illusion that I might be awake  
*Coffee IS my blood type
*I’ve OCD—-Obsessive Coffee Disorder.

So, as a daily 12-XL- cupper-of-coffee drinker, you can imagine my hesitancy at voluntarily unhooking my caffeine IV; but the promise of Greta Garbo legs (google her Millenniums!) was the shot-thought that propelled me forward, albeit trepidacious-ly.

To make a long story longer, I tired- I REALLY tried- to adopt the -living coffee-free lifestyle- including half and half coffee, swearing, biting my toe nails, (the finger nails were already minced), gallons of water, quarts of club soda. But then, like a blue heron swooping out of its nest, I had an epiphany- a realized blatant truth: I’d rather have dimples on my face – Yes the cellulite kind – than wake up cave-woman-like every morning without my line-up of X-large cups of steaming hot black java!

“Don’t ever let anyone tell you that fairy tales aren’t real. I drink a potion made from magic beans every day, and it brings me back to life.”
― Nanea Hoffman

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Whatever gets you to the light
Coffee’s all right
Coffee’s all right

And for those of you who need more than coffee to deal with the realities of life, here’s a little advice from Tanya Masse

“I need COFFEE to help me change the things I can… and WINE to help me accept the things I can’t!”

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Whatever gets you through the your life
It’s all right
It’s all right

*Thanks to Lewis Black, Pinterest and Esty for the stellar coffee quotes